The Opening Crawl - Not a character as such, but shows Continuity with previous Star Wars movies. Pay attention to the ALL CAP WORDS. These will be on your Star Wars vocab quiz later.
Rey - Fresh out of drama school. Knows how to e-nun-ci-ate words. Instant Jedi, just add water.
Finn, the hyperventilating storm trooper - Went to the hyperventilation school of acting. Because hyperventilation shows Depth of Character.
Captain Phasma - Female leader in the evil First Order. First female leader on the Dark Side. Looks cool but does almost nothing, except for immediately betraying everyone in the First Order when held at gunpoint.
Hux - Fierce General of the First Order. Temporarily on loan from the Monty Python Royal Hospital for Overacting.
Kylo Ren - Official Bad Guy. Darth Vader wannabe. Acts like a tantruming teenage git. About as scary as a tantruming teenage git.
Snoke - Second worst name for Evil Mastermind (Dooku was #1). Cross between Emperor Palpatine and Gollum.
Starkiller Base - This is not the Death Star. This is a Very Scary Weapon that is literally ten times bigger than the Death Star!!! In a completely new twist, this planet-sized weapon has a design flaw that allows a small ragtag crew of good guys to destroy it in a matter of minutes. Many viewers will need tranquilizers to calm down after the dramatic tension of that showdown…
Maz Kanata - CGI Yoda wannabe. A source of Wisdom and Good Advice. The Star Wars answer to fortune cookies.
Poe Dameron - The Force is strong with the Teletubbies. Wait, no. Poe is officially the Best Pilot in the Resistance. Apparent main character, who seems to die early on. Unfortunately, comes back towards the end to do some more Best Flying.
BB8 - The official Cute Character. Maybe a Jedi because he likes to defy the laws of physics while moving. Cross between R2D2 and the Death Star.
R2D2 - Conveniently stays catatonic until the plot requires him to wake up. Continues to have all of his dialog bleeped out.
C3PO - Doesn't do much except fill the audience in on some Back Story. In a fascinating twist, one of his arms has become red. In the future, the Resistance runs out of gold paint.
Leia - Once a feisty princess, now brooding upper management. Stands by as the First Order destroys the key planets of the Republic.
Chewie - The walking carpet costume that does not age.
Han Solo - Decides that the best thing to do after helping to save the known universe from Evil is to resume smuggling. Has traveled with Chewie for decades but just now tries Chewie's crossbow for the first time. Seems to think that killing an unarmed captive by putting her in a garbage crusher is funny.
Luke - After his Jedi project goes wrong, decides to take all his Jedi marbles and go into hiding. Keeps his Jedi powers to himself even as Evil is rising and the Good Guys are looking for him. In other words, the most selfish git in the galaxy.
J.J. Abrams - The Director… J.J. stands for Jar Jar. To quote Obiwan, "You were the chosen one! It was said that you would destroy the Sith, not join them. You were to bring balance to the Force, not leave it in darkness." Just goes to show how reliable most prophecies are…
Photo Credit: Promotional photo for The Force Awakens movie.